HELPING YOU AND YOUR KIDS UNDERSTAND GRIEF. YOU DONT HAVE TO LIE TO YOUR KIDS, HERE IS WHAT YOU CAN DO.
- Where possible, check out the medical condition of the person to
whom you are giving the news beforehand, and break the news with a
family member or another close friend present.
- When delivering the news about the loss make sure you have all of the facts and relay only the facts. Never say; "I think" or "It seems".
- Tell children the truth. Adults tend to think children, even young children, can't and don't understand death but in their own way, they do. It’s advisable to leave out gory details.
- Tell the truth to the person who has suffered the loss. Use definitive words that make the loss concrete such as died, fire (in the case of loss of life by fire) and so on.
- Avoid clichéd expressions such as "It was God's will" or "We are born to die" or "He/she lived a long life. It was his/her time to go". Sometimes, it is best just to keep one's mouth shut or simply say: "I am here for you. I'm so sorry for of your loss."
- Avoid saying: "Don't cry". Allow the person to cry and talk, and cry and talk and cry....
- Don't project on the person your own idea of how he/she should grieve. If there is any doubt or uncertainty about his or her grief express your concern and suggest that he/she see a professional counsellor.
- In a world, where few things are certain, each person can be sure that every one of us will die. Death happens to all age groups, ethnicities, and income brackets; it is truly democratic.
- If one can move beyond the denial of death, many questions come to mind, such as, “How will I respond to my moment of death?” Each person will respond to that moment in his or her individual way. But how you respond as a relative or caregiver is equally important.
- A grieving person requires energy from the caregiver, for though it may seem that the caregiver is merely standing by quietly, that quiet presence provides comfort. The word comfort is derived from two Latin words, “cum” and “fortis” meaning "with strength or fortitude".
- A close family member may be unable to provide comfort to a grieving person, due to his own depletion of energy from grieving, which is one reason why many couples have such trouble coming to terms with the death of a child. In times like these seek outside assistance from a pastor or counsellor.
- As a caregiver it is very important that you are well taken care of too. A tired, hungry person is more likely to react negatively or impatiently. When you are required to comfort a grieving person, pray/meditate for the strength to be quiet inside, to be non-judgemental and for guidance in choice of words. Empty words or clichés can be so painful to the grieving person. Sometimes it is better to say nothing at all.
- Recognise another’s grief with responses such as the following:
- This must be a horribly painful moment.
- It’s OK to cry.
- Cry as much as you want.
- I can’t even imagine how you feel.
- Please, let me help however I can.
- Much more important than words is the quiet presence of the caregiver, the compassionate listener, the shoulder to cry on. Words are merely symbols for a much deeper experience.
- If the individual seems willing to discuss the issue, let him or her do so without any attempt on your part to change the direction of the conversation. Patience in such circumstances is an absolute must since individuals are affected differently by sorrow.
- Anguish has no set timetable for departure and may stretch into weeks. You should be extremely understanding through it all. If the individual appears angry with God or the world, encourage them to find a healthier way of venting their frustrations.
- A grieving person needs friends who are willing to sit with them, to reminisce, to listen, and to help get things done. All that might be necessary is the squeeze of the hand, a kiss, a hug or just your presence.
- Keep your friend or relative occupied. Try to steer him or her towards an exercise programme. Physical activity might be just the thing to help ease bottled up tensions.
- Offer assistance with practical matters like running errands or caring for children. Offer to help around the house. Be specific; offer to bring lunch on Thursday, or to mow the lawn on Saturday. This keeps the bereaved from having to make decisions or ask for help.
- Be honest, be creative; the ways in which you can help persons overcome their sorrow are limited only by your imagination.
- The most important thing you can do for a grieving person is to support, listen, help and be there for him or her. Cards and words are meaningful, but actions will be remembered. The best gifts come from the heart.
These are the phrases we use automatically any time someone tells us a loved one of theirs has died. Often, we may not even know the deceased, and even if we did, we may not have been that close. It is social upbringing, compassion for the news bearer and a desire not to appear cold-hearted however that brings the afore-mentioned sentiments to our lips.
Bereavement experts suggest some thoughtful alternatives. You could acknowledge that it must be a sad time for the family and say something like: "If you ever need to talk", or "I'm here for you", or "I'm comfortable if you want to cry” or “if you don't want to talk right now...." Most of all, says one counsellor, it is important to let the bereaved person be themselves in terms of their mourning or grief. Simply passing on your condolences, doesn't always acknowledge the bereaved person's feelings.
Sometimes, no words at all, but a loving squeeze of the hand, are all that is needed to convey your compassion and support. Alternatively, a card or note is always appreciated. A simple telephone query to the funeral arranger will reveal if flowers or charitable donations are preferred.
Helping Children Cope With Death
How do children react when someone dies?
There is no "right way" to react when someone dies and every child will respond differently. If you are caring for a child it may help to know what many children say, think and feel when someone important to them dies, and examples are given below. But don't be surprised if the child you are caring for finds it difficult to express how he or she is feeling. Remember also that many children cope remarkably well.
Dad didn't die. When is he coming back?
Whatever your age, it can take a long time to believe that someone who matters very much to you is not coming back. Young children cannot yet comprehend the finality of death. Gently remind them that daddy is ‘dead’ and is not coming back. Terms such as ‘passed away’ can be confusing.
Why did it have to happen?
Explanations are very important but children may need to ask the same questions over and over again. It is important that you answer as often as they ask. It will take them time to accept what has happened and the death may seem very unfair to them. They may be very angry that someone they care about has left them. Anger is a normal part of the grieving process.
It was my fault!
However far-fetched this may seem to you, many children worry that something they said or did, or didn’t say or do, caused the death. They need to be reassured that it was not their fault.
Will you die too?
It is difficult for children to understand why someone dies and they may become frightened about their own death, or worry that someone else close to them will die soon. Be careful not to make promises you can’t keep. Instead talk about death realistically and as a natural part of life.
Where has she gone?
Younger children may find it more difficult to grasp that a dead person is not coming back and may ask repeatedly, “Where have they gone?” expecting to be told of a place that they know about. Your response will be dependant on your own spiritual belief.
I wish I were dead!
Like adults, children may sometimes feel it is not worth living without someone they love. They may believe that if they die they will be reunited with the dead person, or if they die the dead person will come back to life. Validate their feelings and then gently steer the conversation towards the pleasures of living and things they can look forward to in the future.
What happens to his body?
Young children may need help to understand that when someone is dead the body no longer works and must be buried or burned/cremated.
Will it hurt when she is buried or burned?
Children may think that being dead is like sleeping. They may need to be told there is no feeling or pain after death.
Do you need counselling?
Everyone experiences and handles grief differently. If you or a loved one are grieving and have questions about your experience or feelings, it may help to speak with a trained professional who is uninvolved with your emotional struggle.
Speaking to a priest, pastor, therapist or counsellor enables you to be open and honest with someone who can provide an unbiased perspective, remain non-judgmental, and keep your thoughts and feelings confidential. If you have deeper problems than temporary grief issues, you may choose (or be referred to) a psychologist or psychiatrist.
There are five (5) natural stages of grief:
- Denial
- Anger
- Bargaining
- Depression
- Acceptance
The objective of counselling is to help you work through these stages to reach acceptance at a pace that is practical for you. Unresolved, grief may lead to physical illness, or more serious health issues.
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