How To Deal With Divorce And The Force of Loneliness

Hi everyone, thank you once again for checking back. I really don't know how to start on this topic because i have a lot on my head to write on this issue. Maybe i can hear you or feel you say “I feel so alone.” ''Or how can i live again without him or her''One of the many reasons divorce stinks is the crushing loneliness that so many of us experience when we go through it. It sneaks up on you. You think you’re okay. You think you’re going to make it. Then you hear a song that was important to the two of you, or you see a couple holding hands, or you hear a dumb joke about divorce on TV. And loneliness descends on you like a cloud of nothingness. You can hardly breathe. You are paralyzed. Then you get angry with yourself. PAUSE THERE.

Fight It

You can take loneliness on directly and resolve that it’s not going to beat you. My favorite is one of our clients, who told me “I just decided to grab my loneliness, and I stuffed it in a bathtub full’o’water and held it there ’til it croaked.” Colorful. May not be my style, but it got my attention.

You may choose something a little more subtle. If you’re working to fight your loneliness, your main task is to move beyond yourself. Transfer your focus from yourself to others. You’re already way ahead of me, aren’t you?

Embrace It

Let me first point out that this whole concept of embracing loneliness has a faith component. If you’ve spent time on Divaviva111, you probably already know that my faith is important to me. You probably know as well, however, that I will not impose it on you. If you’re prepared to forge ahead, welcome.

Precious little about divorce is good. But the chance to embrace loneliness can be among the sweetest discoveries of this whole cruddy process. That’s why I list it as one of the good things about divorce. Divorce is an opportunity to explore and develop new relationships, including the relationship you have with yourself and the relationship you have with God.

Wait It Out

It may seem impossible now, but time really does heal the wounds of divorce. Plan on somewhere around three years. That doesn’t mean you won’t start the healing process immediately, and it doesn’t mean you’ll have forgotten all about your ex spouse three years after separation. But in rough terms, most of the healing work for a spouse who’s gone through a typical divorce is complete within about three years.

It is a totally legitimate strategy to simply endure the loneliness you feel. It really won’t kill you unless you decide to kill yourself. You can just decide to live with it, knowing as you do that it won’t last forever.

One caution: there are some of us for whom time is NOT the answer. A client sometime ago told me that she was still lonely and unhappy four years after her divorce. Here’s some of what she said:

If ONE more person tells me that “love will find me when I least expect it” or that “if I were single, I’d be after you in a heartbeat,” I’ll slug that poor individual. And that punch will be fueled by all the anger and resentment of the past four years.

I honestly feel as if life is just passing me by.  I go to work, and I come home.  Nobody seems to want my love, and I have nothing but love to give. I get no support whatsoever from anyone.  . . .

I HAVE been through years of therapy, by the way.  It really didn’t help.  I was STILL alone when I left the session.  Is this living?

Thank you for reading this.  Please realize that things do NOT necessarily get better for everyone after three years.

Fortunately, most of us are not like the given examples but some of us are. That’s why the two strategies above are so important.

Source: personal experiences with client and other human researches