Raunchiest Sex Acts That Were Forgiving In The Bible.

Photo credit: getty

Usually when someone shares their favorite Bible stories, they don’t involve sex, right? It’s stuff like David and Goliath, Daniel in the Lion’s Den, the Prodigal Son, or Jesus’ resurrection. And I definitely have that kind. But I considered my favorite stories from the Bible that actually involve sex in some way and came up with seven I particularly appreciate. Here are the first six.

Lot Has Drunk, Drunk Sex in a Cave. With His Daughters.

 
cracked

Sunday school lessons tend to focus on God turning Lot's wife into a pillar of salt like she's starring in one of Sarah Connor's nightmares from T2. It's the sort of imagery that might distract you from something like flagrant incest. But sure enough, at Genesis 19:30-36: A lot of fathers have slept with their daughters without any influence of anything. That is so so so wrong. God in his infinite mercy knows who, how, when to forgive people. If you have mistakenly, drunkenly slept with your daughter, is time to make restitution to God but not necessarily to man and please stop it.

Something tells us Lot's daughters would lose any drinking game centered around "Never Have I Ever." If you've done it in a cave--and you've done it with your dad--It's time to come out from the shadows, totally repent, confess, maybe to a priest, or just kneel down to God in prayers, God who is forgiven will give you peace.

"Say, I've got a neat idea."

They were so eager to secure some semen that they nearly polluted the genetic pool for all who came after them.  To their credit, maybe that's why we have viral videos today.

To Make it Even Weirder...

 The alcohol in this case is wine, which raises the question: how much wine do you have to drink before you became oblivious to the fact that you were having sex with your daughter ... a second time?

5

Jacob, Two Sisters, And What the Hell, a Handmaid

In Genesis 29: 21-28, Jacob had taken a job where he was to be paid entirely in woman. His boss, Laban, promised his daughter Rachel in exchange for seven years of work. After the seven years, Laban pulled a fast one and swapped in his ugly daughter, Leah, instead: Can you beat that? Now remember that it was prophesied that Jacob would be great. But  maybe he relaxed on that prophecy, maybe he relaxed and believed in the prayers of his father alone that it would come that he would be greater than his brother. Indeed he worked hard and suffered, not until he came to God personally and asked for divine favor from the Lord that he got truly blessed. Very sure his brother Esau whom he stole his birthright from, may not have suffered like he did in his uncle's house. As the Bible recorded that Esau was so great a man that Jacob feared for his life. This is to tell you that, it does not matter what anyone says about your destiny. Your destiny is in your hands, not in your pastor's prophecies, or your parents blessings.

Unless Leah and Rachel were sisters of the identical "Nigerian Singers; Peter and Paul'' lol! there is very little reason why Jacob wouldn't realize fairly early in the process that he had the wrong sister. Who knows, maybe they were serving some of Lot's date-rape wine at the party. Not to scorn.

 

If you read the passage again you'll notice that right in the middle of it is mention of a third woman: Zilpah, Leah's "hand maid." She's right between the verse commencing the night of boning and the verse concluding it. What was she doing there? Watching? Is it our fault that we're picturing that whole scene as just a writhing Chex mix of sex organs?  #runs out#

God Gives You Tips on How to Hold Your Load

Painting by Amy L. Rawson.

If you've ever heard masturbation referred to as "onanism", well, you've got one guy to thank. Onan was apparently one of the pioneers in the art of ejaculating somewhere other than into a sex partner, as we see in Judah 38:8-10:

Onan's the one in the background, walking away to go masturbate behind those rocks.

Now there's something a woman never forgets. You're getting busy with your husband's brother, he splooges on the ground, and promptly gets slain by the LORD. Talk about awkward.

This particular verse was taken slightly out-of-context when it gave birth to "onanism," which refers to both coitus interruptus and masturbation. It's probably just as well that he died, and didn't have to walk around the rest of his life listening to people refer to jerking off as "Doing an Onan."

To Make it Even Weirder...

This story became the basis for Christian arguments against masturbation. The story does not address the counter-argument: what if God has no righteous purpose for your semen that particular day, and you're just bored?

God: Hard on Masturbation.

I Thought She Was a Prostitute, But She Was My Daughter-in-Law!

Try to find all the things wrong in this passage, from Gen. 38:15-16:

Note that the frisky femme above is the same femme (Tamar) who got to witness Onan being slain by the LORD for coitus interruptus. Getting right back on that horse, Tamar! Only instead of a horse, it's Judah--Onan's dad. Score!

If you don't think that's hot, you've ... never been to a really drunk family reunion where everyone's wearing veils and no one is aware it's a family reunion. 

 ARE YOU STILL READING? OK, GO ON... .

Solomon Gives Boobies 10 Fingers Up

Solomon's Song, which he creatively titled Song of Solomon, was mostly about boobies. The below references can be seen in 1:13, and 2:6, and 4:5, and 4:16, and 5:4, and 7:7-8 . . . and 8:10... OK, the whole thing was pretty much "Titties, titties, I love titties." Take a look:

Damn. We don't know why this is in the Bible, and we don't care! If You wants to write songs about Solomons and throbbing members and shit, who are we to tell you no? 

 The reference to women with tower-breasts has caused some confusion, though. Since we prefer a literal interpretation, we think Solomon's concubines had breasts that were three stories tall with look-out posts in the cleavage. Either way, the Bible is a bigger supporter of breasts than a push-up bra. If you don't like that, then you can be the one to explain to God why you chose to illustrate every book of the Bible except this one. 

Here's a challenge: see if you can envision any possible metaphor for 5:4, "My beloved put his hand by the hole of the door, and my bowels were moved for him".

gods and Girls

 

We girls like to sleep naked-reasons why they have sex in their sleep and get possessed or die in your sleep because an angel closed his eyes not to look at your nakedness and then you get attacked in your sleep. Perhaps we  like to open our hairs in church- reason why most prayers may not be answered as the angels may be carried away and give your blessings to another to help him hold while he watches that beautiful you. Well This sexual act happened right before God which caused the famous flood that destroys everything on the earth (except for Noah and everybody on his boat). So of all the perversions mankind has ever invented, it appears the giant sex was the one thing that was just too weird for God, to the point that everyone else had to suffer for it. Although a survival emerged as Goliath.... His parent may have smuggled him into the ARK. And boom! nine months later, surprise! You're giving birth to a veritable six-year-old! 

Oh dear! am tired. You can tell me any other raunchy sex acts that i may have left out in the comment box below, oh yes, i remember, that guy who slept with his sister, ok, i need to go get the bible verse or can you pastors and readers do that for me? *winks* #runsout.

Sources: bible verses, cracked, personal interpretations.

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